No deal, not ever.

I'm not one of those people who goes around bashing the collective intelligence of the American People. The American People are plenty smart, if you ask me. And I also don't go in for that kind of snobbism that takes it for granted that television is an idiot box. As long as people like David Milch ("Deadwood'') and Aaron Sorkin ("Studio 60 on The Sunset Strip'') are working in TV, the medium is safe.
But I happened to be flipping around the dial last night and came across some game show called "Deal or No Deal.''
Honest to goodness, there's no skill at all involved. Contestants pick numbered briefcases in the hopes that when there is one left, it will have big bucks in it.
It's an hour long! A slow motion lottery drawing.
What in the name of Philo T. Farnsworth am I missing here?

Is it hot in here or is just me?

First they said the earth wasn't getting hotter. All that global warming stuff was just nonsense, they said. "It was cold as the dickens last January,'' they said.
But eventually, practically every scientist in the world said, "It is too getting hotter.'' Most recently the National Academy of Sciences reported that the earth is getting hotter than its been in 12,000 years, and a whole bunch of glaciers are melting and bunches of plants, animals and bugs are moving toward the poles.
"Well, OK,'' they said. "Maybe the world is getting a touch warmer. But hey, climate happens. Don't go blaming my SUV and my soon-to-be-obsolete snowblower. Humans can't do squat to warm up the planet. It's cows, man. All that cud-burping methane.''
I don't understand why we have to take an either/or stand here.
Maybe the world is getting warmer all by its lonesome. But 6 billion humans (and Lord knows how many domesticated cows) spewing greenhouse gasses into the wild blue yonder can't help but matter.
So, whatever we can do to slow it down is fine by me. Because frankly, given the obesity epidemic in this country, I sure don't want to see most of you sweating in your T-shirts and Bermuda shorts.

No, I'm not a heretic

I wrote a column last week calling for a little reasoned sanity when it came to reading and interpreting the Bible. (Check it out at http://www.app.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20060922/LIFE/609220337/1054)
And bless my soul, did I get some e-mail, the general tone of which was, "Reason? Sanity? Not us, nosirree!''
These are folks from the "God said it; I believe it; that settles it'' school of Biblical interpretation.
Someone suggested that it was beyond the pale to note that there are ugly parts in Scripture. And my thought is "the Bible has human beings in it. How can it not contain indescribable beauty and godawful ugliness?''
And don't get me started on Psalm 137...
Another person sent me a list of Torquemada-like questions designed, I imagine, to discover just how much of heretic he thinks I am.
Look, you can't leave your brain behind when you open the Bible. We analyze the Bible and the world. The Bible is not a science book: the first 11 chapters of Genesis are true stories about God and about the vagaries of the human will and heart. It doesn't mean that there were dinosaurs in the Garden of Eden.
And whether we admit or not, we all pick and choose which parts of Scripture we deem culture- and time-bound and which are true for all time.
In other words, if you had a ham sandwich today, shut up!

Offender of the faith

I think we can all agree that the Pope should probably not have mentioned that hundreds of years ago, somebody dissed The Prophet. That's not the sort of thing that tends to foster a constructive interfaith debate.
On the other hand, once word gets out, thousands of Muslims go on a tear, burning the pontiff in effigy and setting fire to the American flag. (Why the American flag? What did we do? The Vatican's not in Milwaukee and the Pope's not from Kansas.)
I believe that people should defend their faith, defend it with passion and conviction.
But keep the Zippos and Molotov cocktails out of it.
It's like my mom (who didn't believe in much of any thing, really) always said:
"Sticks and stones can break my bones, but names will never hurt me.''
OK, maybe it's not 100 percent true; words can hurt. But if push comes to shove, I'm betting Allah can protect his own without all the noise, gunfire and blood.

Hey, Anonymous -- and you know who you are

Someone came up to me at the office the other day. "Hey, Riley,'' he said. "Have you checked out your blog lately? Somebody really hates you, man! Do you know what I'm talking about?''

Of course, I knew. Reading the jeers of "Anonymous'' has shaken me to my core. I can barely get out of bed in the morning, can hardly function anymore. My wife is worried about me, wonders why my eyes are so often red-rimmed. My kids say, "Daddy, will you ever smile again?''

"I don't know,'' I tell them in a voice that is ghostly, low and hoarse. "'Anonymous' doesn't like daddy.''

Will I be able to go on? Of course, I will, people.

I've never had stage fright when I've spoken or preached in front of large groups of people, because I understood early on that most people are on your side: They want you to do well. That's more than half the battle right there.

But this blog sniping is weird. My gut and my sweet wife tell me to rise above it, rise so far above it that I can ignore it. And normally I would. But this is more like a heckler at a nightclub. And I've done stand-up comedy. Luckily, I was very funny and didn't have a heckler, but I was prepared.

And I've got nothing against most of you "Anonymousi'' out there. There's a lot of good reasons not to get all identifiable.

But there is one idiot "Anonymous'' out there who hasn't quite figured out that if you don't like something, it's probably not a good idea to subject yourself to it again and again, unless you like to bang your head against a wall simply becomes it feels so good when you stop.

Let me just say to him or her: "Maybe you should start breaking the pills in half.''

The voice of a generation with a rhyming dictionary

I'm a big Bob Dylan fan. The guy's a genius and a legend. Most of us never get to be either one, and if you're like me, you know you've got one in the bag and have to leave to history whether or not the second will obtain.
There are a bunch of fogies who still think Dylan hasn't done anything worthwhile since "Blood on The Tracks.'' These people are idiots. "Every Grain of Sand'' is among the best he ever did. And who can doubt the haunting beauty of, say, "It's Not Dark Yet'' or "Tryin' To Get Heaven'' from the recent ''Time Out of Mind'' album.
I even tend to like the Dylan nobody likes: the symbol-riddled "Street Legal'' album, for example.
Dylan's latest quiet ''end of the world'' work, "Modern Times'' is really good. I particularly like the "When The Deal Goes Down.''
Having said all that, Bob Dylan has been known to get a little weird or lazy in his couplets. What do you make of this doozy from the new album's otherwise fantastic song about sex and faith and the signs of the apocalypse, "Thunder on The Mountain:''
" I've been to St. Herman's church, I've said my religious vows/I've sucked the milk from a thousand cows.''
Is this a guy who wrote himself into a lyrical corner, or am I missing something?