Subscribe Now!
GannettUSA Today

Friday, March 23, 2007

The inevitablity of dark humor

I'm a fairly enlightened guy, conversant in all manner of P.C. conventions. There are certain words you don't use, certain jokes you simply don't tell. That's not a bad thing. There's no good reason to hurt people unnecessarily.
Sometimes though, your own mind plays tricks on you, and you know your mind is, if not down in the gutter, then, it's no higher than the curb.
I admire Heather Mills, the one-legged former wife of Beatle Paul McCartney. I respect her grit and moxie and wish her well in her stint on "Dancing With The Stars'' a show I don't watch.
But when I heard about her appearing on the show, I couldn't help bu theink about that old Dudley Moore/Peter Cook sketch "One Leg Too Few'' This can be found all over the Internet. It goes something like this:

Peter : Miss Rigby! Stella, my love! Would you please send in the next auditioner, please. Mr. Spiggott, I believe it is. (enter Dudley, hopping on one leg)
Peter: Mr. Spiggott, I believe?

Dudley:Yes, Spiggott by name, Spiggott by nature. (keeps hopping)

Peter: Yes...if you'd like to remain motionless for a moment, Mr. Spiggott. Please be stood. Now, Mr. Spiggott you are, I believe, auditioning for the part of Tarzan?

Dudley: Right.

Peter: Now, Mr. Spiggott, I couldn't help noticing almost at once that you are a one-legged person.

Dudley:You noticed that?

Peter: I noticed that, Mr. Spiggott. When you have been in the business as long as I have you come to notice these things almost instinctively. Now, Mr. Spiggott, you, a one-legged man, are applying for the role of Tarzan - a role which, traditionally, involves the use of a two-legged artiste.

Dudley: Correct.

Peter: And yet you, a unidexter, are applying for the role.

Dudley:Right.

Peter: A role for which two legs would seem to be the minimum requirement.

Dudley: Very true.

Peter : Well, Mr. Spiggott, need I point out to you where your deficiency lies as regards landing the role?

Dudley:Yes, I think you ought to.

Peter: Need I say without overmuch emphasis that it is in the leg division that you are deficient.

Dudley:The leg division?

Peter :Yes, the leg division, Mr. Spiggott. You are deficient in it to the tune of one. Your right leg I like. I like your right leg. A lovely leg for the role. That's what I said when I saw you come in. I said "A lovely leg for the role." I've got nothing against your right leg. The trouble is - neither have you. You fall down on your left.

Dudley:You mean it's inadequate?

Peter:Yes, it's inadequate, Mr. Spiggott. And, to my mind, the British public is not ready for the sight of a one-legged apeman swinging through the jungly tendrils.

Dudley:I see.

Peter :However, don't despair. After all, you score over a man with no legs at all. Should a legless man come in here demanding the role, I should have no hesitation in saying "Get out. Hop off."

Dudley: So there's still a chance?

Peter :There is still a very good chance. If we get no two-legged actors in here within the next two months, there is still a very good chance that you'll land this vital role. Failing two-legged actors, you, a unidexter, are just the sort of person we shall be attempting to contact telephonically.

Dudley: Well...thank you very much.

Peter: So my advice is, to hop on a bus, go home, and sit by your telephone in the hope that we will be getting in touch with you. (shows Dudley out) I'm sorry I can't be more definite, but as you realise, it's really a two-legged man we're after. Good morning Mr. Spiggott.

I guess the question is, does the fact that unbidden, my mind made the connection between Heather Mills latest act of courage and the silliness of the above sketch make me insensitive?

4 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

No, I thought it'd be great if her fake limb catapulted across the stage and knocked out Tom Bergeron or Samantha Harris (the co-hosts)..Tom could use the footage (sorry!) for his America's Funniest Video show -the bloopers edition, of course! I hope Heather Mills advances far enough to make the quickstep portion of the program.. I would also like to see her waltz to "Lean on Me", hey, Ray (speaking of political incorrectness), what do you call an Asian one-legged woman? Irene...
a one-legged woman could also be called Peg, a sunbathing double amputee? Sandy.. favorite Caribbean dance? the limb-o(h)! of course...

12:42 PM, March 24, 2007  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I guess our minds work in exactly the same way, because this is the exact thing that came to my mind. And the only thing that would be funnier than this Dudley Moore and Peter Cook skit, is if someone wrote one about plucky Heather Mills (another Brit, of course) wanting to appear on "Dancing with the Stars." You can't make this stuff up. It practically writes itself.

8:53 PM, March 26, 2007  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

all that's missing is her dancing to a Paul McCartney song..hey she owns half the rights anyway, right?

hey,ray, funny is funny -insensitive or not, right?

1:32 PM, March 27, 2007  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

If Heather loses the dance contest she can always take her leg off and hit her partner over the head with it.

3:39 PM, April 03, 2007  

Post a Comment

<< Home